“May we live in interesting times.” - Chinese Proverb
All the Moon students know I dove brush first into watercolor a couple of months ago. They give me wide latitude when at the beginning of most classes I tell tales of clumsily marking my way through this most mysterious of endeavors. I know we all strive for beginner’s mind at every moment, but let’s face it, when you have been doing something for 44 years, as I have in the martial arts, no matter how hard you try, you are not a beginner. But with painting I most definitely am.
Honestly, I have no idea what got into me. I never had any art classes in school, even as a kid. I have zero memory of ever doing anything crafty except knitting. I never had the urge to paint. So I cannot tell you why I even glimpsed the iconic Daniel Smith flagship store as I ran errands in Sodo, but when I did it was as if some weird magnetic force turned my car around. I parked and walked through their doors. Unbeknownst to me they were closing this last retail shop in about a month.
I bought some paper for some cards I had started to make out of pressed garden flowers and went home. For the next 2 weeks an irrational urgency took over. It wasn’t the 20%-30% off that drove me to return 3 more times. It was something more primal. Each time I simply asked the art Mavens there to “just tell me what to buy.” Before I knew it, I had a small studio’s worth of top-notch supplies. The folks there got a kick out of me likening buying this level of art supplies to telling any beginner to a weapons form to forgo the cheap crap and buy the best you can afford. “You won’t regret it.” Janice, who was helping me, listened to my story and said, “do you want to see our swords?” I left that day with a DaVinci sable hair brush, one of the best brushes in the world.
This experience is as uncanny an experience as I have had since first beginning the martial arts. Now, as it was then, it is as a switch flipped in me. My office has transformed into a small art space, and I am diving into something I have no idea about. Thankfully my friend and fellow martial artist, Jan, took pity on me after seeing my social media posts and told me of her teacher. Jan, like me, like all of us, knows how important the right teacher is especially in the beginning. She also knows me and knew I would just keep looking until I found this person. Luckily, she knew exactly who this was. I began studying with her teacher, Jess, about a month ago.
“Go with what the water gives you” is one of the primary instructions I hear Jess say. (That and, ironically, breathe!) The metaphor to Tai Chi & Qigong training is not lost on me, but still, I find my urge to make everything perfect is the muddiest color in my palette. It seems that it would be obvious given my primary endeavor in this life, to understand that like water itself, Watercolor’s nature is not to be controlled or be made perfect. One would think I would be able to grasp that. But look at any of these early attempts and it is easy to see here I am, at the beginning of that lesson, again.
All the Moon students also know in addition to embarking on the Watercolor Way this is the session I hit a few lows. More than once, I allowed my wobbly emotions to escape the mask. Like is seen in my initial watercolor explorations I know I have a darn good “keep it controlled” strategy within me. Sure, I have become skilled in fluid movement, but also underneath lives a strong resistance to the unknown.
The unrelenting unknowns of the time we are in along with the rainy fall we passed through wore me down. There were days when getting up and out to show up on the floor was truly difficult. I think if not for my training, if not for creating myself as the person who does show up no matter the circumstances, I may not have. And I know I’m not the only one who has or is experiencing this. When I started talking about it so did the Moon students. None of us have any idea how those with no practice anchor (of any type) can get out of bed these days.
A couple of weeks ago I looked out the window of my office turned art studio. The Pacific Northwest late fall sky was flat grey. One of those “I’m not sure I can do this day” thoughts showed up. Then I looked down at the white cold-press 140 lb paper and over at my palette full of gorgeous colors. I can’t say a switch flipped, but I did remember the basic instruction, “go with what the water gives you.” Those words were enough to compel me on. I started painting my beginner’s painting, looking for the possibility of flow. I can’t say I found it but something did change. And sitting there with my sword brush in hand, something also changed inside myself. “Go with what this time is giving you,” I mused.
What is this time giving us? Chaos, the unknown, volatility for starters. Hard to control that no matter how many boosters we get! And it’s becoming increasingly difficult for any of us to mask our grief and rage and despair. However there is one thing this year on the practice floor showed me, again. The only control we have to whatever circumstance we find ourselves in is to keep showing up. And wow, have we continued to show up. Once again, I find myself at the end of this school year knowing I couldn’t be more grateful to be with a community for whom showing up is what we do, no matter what life gives us.
Someday I think I’ll find the flow in Watercolor. I’m relieved mastery is not my goal – at 64 there is just not enough time! When Teacher Jess asked me at our first lesson, “what are your goals?” I said, “I don’t really know. I just want to do this.” But as our lesson began, I stopped, “I know the answer to the question,” I said. “I’m looking to see differently.”
Friends, we don’t know if these times we are in will end anytime soon, but no matter what they give us I suspect if we keep showing up we will also learn to see differently. In the worlds of the famous Chinese Proverb, “may we live in interesting times.” Thank you everyone for another amazing year on the floor. See you in 2022! 🙏🏼